Our biggest breakthroughs usually happen through trials and tribulations.
"No pain, no gain".
I've been looking at "problems" as teachers for such a long time that I found myself feeling uncomfortable when there was nothing (obvious) for me to "fix".
I mean: this couldn't be it, right?
There must be more to uncover, heal, and transform.
How can there be no triggers, issues, mood swings even...?
Those were the thoughts that circulated through my mind.
I felt uncomfortable and impatient. I had put so much emphasis on healing that I forgot that things need time to integrate (you can read here how my body reminded me of that) AND that I can just accept what is and be happy.
Well... it turned out that this was my biggest obstacle.
I didn't know how to relax. I didn't value down time, because there was always "something important for me tot do". I had never learned how to "just be".
And then, on top of it all, my coach asked me: what if there was nothing for you to fix?
I mean, come on! My whole life and business revolve around fixing things!
I forgot that "energy goes where attention flows". One of the most basic Universal laws.
I was so preoccupied with looking at what might be wrong, that I had catapulted myself into a loop: a self fulfilling prophecy that reinforced, once again, the age-old wound of "I'm not good enough".
A big part of my life I had felt like there was something inherently wrong with me. And I was doing my best to accomplish great things, be successful, meet expectations, tick all the boxes...
I basically forced my way through life.
I benefited a lot from this attitude, but it came at a cost... chronic pain, illness, depression, anxiety, burn-out, fibromyalgia... you name it.
It wasn't until I took responsibility for my well-being and started looking into the meaning of these symptoms that I was finally able to heal. It took me years. And still... some of the patterns remain.
Giving myself permission to rest is a huge challenge for me.
I've gotten better at it over the years. I am embracing my human design more and more. But it's still scary to completely let go. It's scary because it's new.
When we embark on a journey to unfamiliar places it's common to feel some anxiety. To be reluctant, to overthink... It's the game between ego and our Higher consciousness, between what's comfortable (read: known) and what's desired.
As I'm striving to find balance between healing and overcoming obstacles and enjoying my life and being grateful I came up with the following metaphor: when we want to plant a new garden we first need to take out all the weeds. Then we make a plan. And we start carrying it out. The new plants need some time to adjust (integrate) and grow. We tend to the garden, enhance the soil, nurture and water it. The, after a while, everything is beautiful and ready. The garden now only needs tending to. New weeds can show themselves. The plants need water, we can take out dried out leaves and faded flowers. From time to time... there's nothing we can do. Nothing but relax and enjoy the garden.