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  • Kinga de Wit

The relationship that defines all others.

Our relationships are a direct reflection of what is going on inside of us. Think about that for a minute. How could this statement be true? What is it you must believe about yourself, the world, relationships, and people, to attract (or feel trapped in) the kind of relationship(s) you're in right now? And I'm not just talking about the romantic kind. I mean ALL relationships. What is your attitude towards the world, to everyone around you, to life itself? Are you convinced that the Universe is „out to get you”? Do you think that you deserve real love, respect, kindness? Is life about suffering and struggling through?

The answers to these questions are pretty important. Not only because of the havoc that bad relationships can cause in our lives but also because we experience life and even ourselves IN RELATION to everything and everyone around us.


This doesn't mean that our surroundings define us. Or do they? A lot of people are concerned with other peoples' opinion and expectations of them. They try to please everyone and control how other people view them. There are people who avoid deep, meaningful relationships because they feel vulnerable and don't want to get hurt. But that's ALL about them not trusting THEMSELVES. They don't have faith in their own strength and resilience. So by shielding themselves from intimacy, they're setting themselves up for loneliness. And what kind of people will they meet do you think? By keeping things superficial, they attract partners without depth. Since they actually long for deep connections, they end up disappointed. These experiences, in, turn, endorse their initial belief that others will hurt them, aren't actually interested in them, don't understand them and will leave eventually. Do you see how that works? It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.


Ultimately, we're all social beings. Our need for belonging and approval is connected to our evolution. As hunters, we depended on each other. Being cast out and exiled from the pack, meant certain death. That's why as children we do everything that's in our might to fit in! We identify with a group until we're capable of defining ourselves.


But then we face our next challenge: who are we really? A lot of people start asking this question later in life. When they're 50-ish and find themselves in a midlife crisis. The question then becomes „is this it”? The 30-ers dilemma is also related to this phenomenon. People start to question their decisions, careers, and relationships. I see this all the time. As a psychologist, I think it's important to help make people aware of their choices and make conscious decisions. They then start to investigate their desires and who they are at core level. It's a beautiful journey. One I'm very grateful to be able to witness.


In the long run, it's all about how we feel about ourselves. Hence the term self-worth. It's an inside job. Otherwise, it would've been called "other's worth". In life, we get what we believe we're worth. This may be difficult to hear for some of you. But it's a harsh truth. Relationships traditionally are of the utmost importance to our well-being. We don't live in tight communities anymore. The quality of the relationships we do have matters! And the most important relationship you will EVER have, is the one with yourSELF.


Ode to the Self:

Everyone has deep, emotional wounds.

Every human being has been traumatized.

In order to survive, we suppress the pain.

We downplay it and even deny it.

By doing so we forsake ourselves.

We hold on to the pain and emphasize the negative.

And cause even deeper wounds.

We get disconnected from our inner wisdom

and turn against the big bad world

that we feel is rejecting us.

In reality, we miss our own warmth.

For we are our own best, most intimate

and eternal companion.

Our inner Self needs love, friendship,

attention and commitment from US.

So take good care of yourself.

And you'll experience more freedom.

Be kind and loving towards yourself

and you'll never be lonely.

Be strong, grateful and forgiving

and you'll never suffer again.


If you'd like to explore your relationship with yourself, how it affects your everyday life and how to improve it, let's chat! I'd love to help.


Take good care of yourself and your loved ones.

Much love, health and happiness to you,

Xx Kinga.


Kinga de Wit - The relationship that defines all others.


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